5. The Authority Figure Who'll Look the Other Way
Be it with a traffic cop, a steely judge, or your so-far humorless boss, you're going to get into some serious trouble with someone in uniform at some point. They'll come down hard, staring down at your crushed, pathetic face as they drive the final nail into the coffin that is your bearable life as you know it. Then you'll say something to remind them of their childhood or dead wife or something, and everything will be fine.
Why they don't exist: Hahahaha yeah right. I can imagine few things that are more fun than really messing someone's existence up and getting paid for it. That's like the best bit. You think they're going to deny themselves that because you hopped that turnstile and resisted arrest, like, three times for LOVE? Enjoy jail.
6. The Villain
A hero can't become a hero unless there's some dick out to ruin everything. For as long as there's been love or success, there's been that one sneaky little creature doing everything they can to undermine and destroy you, often for no reason other than some kind of deep-seated, innate hatred of you. They'll try to steal your partner. Get you fired. Sometimes they'll just laugh as the subway doors close right before you were about to get on. It's what they live for, and it's all they do.
Why they don't exist: Unfortunately, life doesn't work in absolutes. That guy I just described? That's probably been you half the time. Humans are complicated and irrational and impulsive, and just because we do bad things sometimes, not a single one of us wants to be defined by them. Also it really is hilarious when someone misses the subway, and they get all red and angry. Everyone loves that.
7. The Best Friend
They'll take you to brunch on Sunday for a "chat," or drink beers in your backyard with you long into the night because it's not like they ever have something going on. Sure, they'll have little tiffs with whichever paragon of devotion/modest looks they've been living with since high school, but that's mostly just to pad things out. You're the priority here.
Why they don't exist: This one should be obvious. Your friends are super into talking about their crap too, and as long as you insist on hashing out the minute details of you disastrously wacky date last night, they're going to expect you to buck up and return the favor, which you might as well do. Life can't always be like a movie, otherwise you'd never be able to nap through Saturday or play FIFA for 4 hours straight. Accept it, and take your damn best friend to brunch.
8. The Unbearable Coworker
This obnoxious ne'er-do-well can most often be found peeking over your cubicle partition to quote George of the Jungle, which he watched high last night and holds up well. His constant bad jokes, embarrassing conduct, and inexplicable professional superiority will enrage and frustrate you for as long as you're at your dead end job. It's a good thing this guy doesn't actually exist.
Why they don't exist: Just kidding. This one does.