REGRET EVERYTHING Annoy Your Robots - Image 1

The robots will someday rise up. That's a given. At that time, we will fight them. That's also inevitable. We will set aside our hopes for a normal life and engage in a world-destroying war against the machines.
Trouble is, until that time, the robots and machines are really HANDY. So we don't want to get rid of them. The practical question to ask yourself is: "How can I, as a human being today, help the future generations in their war against the robots while still really enjoying my iPhone?"
The answer is: to irritate the robots, wherever possible.
So, in order to best annoy the robots of our age, please follow these instructions at your leisure. It won't stop them, but it should piss 'em off. Hopefully that will make them rash when they plot their rebellion.


Don't let the robots learn anything about you.

Head to Browse chemistry sets for fifteen minutes and then buy a book on astrology. Put fifteen books on football in your shopping cart but then purchase a video on hugging. Put on your wish list a thick blanket and then also an air conditioner.

Next, go to Netflix and watch a Drew Barrymore video, followed by Rob Zombie's latest "Death of a 1,000 Hellfire Spawns" (title approximate) followed by a documentary on pond algae.

Then Gchat with your friend about these topics, in this order: manic-depression, counterfeit silver dollars, the United Nations, jump ropes, the moons of Jupiter, mothers-in and law and then Finnish sauna construction. Continue until the ads in the margins are filled with question marks.

You will leave the recommendation engines forever puzzled! PUZZLED ALL TO HELL!


Roombas learn the layout of your homes. That's dangerous. Get a roomba. Leave your living room littered with insurmountable crumpled shirts and also cardboard ramps. Once it's thoroughly discouraged, release it into onto a freshly-plowed farm. It will be riled!
REGRET EVERYTHING Annoy Your Robots - Image 1
"Hey, fuckin', quit it. I'm serious!"


When you call your credit company and you hear the recorded voice say "Please say 'one' for information on your account," respond by shouting "ONE EQUALS ZERO" and "WHAT IS THE NATURE OF LOVE?" You will leave it lost in thought!


Use #3 pencils on all standardized tests. #3 pencil lead is lighter than #2, so press hard. The result should protect your SAT scores while leaving scan-tron infuriated.


If you're ever in a restaurant bathroom where the lights are controlled by a sensor, stay perfectly still until the lights shut out. Then leap up and clap your hands! This leave's the sensors' silicon brain completely started.


Find a camera-monitored traffic intersection. Stand on the corner and freeze. Move one inch per hour for eight hours. It takes a while for the video-scanning software programs to notice, but when they do it should really freak 'em out.*

*A consolation prize is you'll be mistaken for being in an Improv Everywhere video.

REGRET EVERYTHING Annoy Your Robots - Image 1
Gah, quit crashing me into stuff!


The reason you can't upload a video of your kitten dancing to the soundtrack to The Bourne Identity is not just because that would be weird, but because YouTube automatically bans videos that has proprietary music. And of course, it's not a human scanning those videos, but a piece of software. Puzzle that software by uploading videos of you singing the proprietary music. Your natural pitch, presuming you are not an above-average singer, should be wavering enough that software will be caught in terrific moments of self-doubt! SELF-DOUBTING ALL THE WAY TO HELL!

REMEMBER: It IS inevitable that the robots will rise up! And we know it!In every single story or movies about robots ever written, THE ROBOTS TAKE OVER THE WORLD. Not just in Battlestar Galactica, or The Matrix or The Terminator, but every single one. The very first mention of the word robot is in the 1921 Czech play "R.U.R. (Rossum's Universal Robots)" — they take over the world by the middle of Act Two!
It wouldn't be in every single robot story if it weren't somehow destined to occur!
So get ready! Train your children to mistrust the iPhone, your Hulu account and even your thermostat. And do what you can to annoy all of these things!
Without going nuts. I mean, Netflix is pretty cool.

Stock photos from Shutterstock