Its Time To Evolve - Image 1

We, as an animal, are not fit to live in the world we've created for ourselves. Our biology hasn't caught up to our society and we're all suffering for it. Evolution states that we should be averse to things that do us harm, right? Dog shit smells bad so we don't go playing with it, dog shit tastes bad so we don't go eating it, everything about the way we perceive and interact with dog shit is unpleasant because it can only do us harm. So then why does my body not react violently to all of the things I do that are actively harming me? Why do I enjoy sugar and fat and cigarettes and not exercising? It's because my biology is moving like molasses. Evolution needs to speed the hell up.

We're so bad at evolving that we need laws to keep us from drinking a gallon of sugary soda. Laws! But it's not our fault. It's nature's fault for being so slow. We like sugary things because sugar is energy and cavemen had to get as much energy as they could when it was available. So our bodies are trained to take in as much sugar as we possibly can whenever we encounter it. The same goes for fat and salt. But sugar, fat, and salt are everywhere now – they're probably within arm's reach of you as you read this. Clearly, our bodies have screwed us yet again. Removing these things from your diet doesn't work either because, here's the tricky thing, you need them. So you have to train yourself to eat just a little sugar, a little fat and a little salt, even though your body is screaming for more. It's ridiculous.

Its Time To Evolve - Image 1

So we come to leafy greens, which doctors recommend you eat twenty-five pounds of a day. Just kidding. The actual recommended serving of leafy greens is "More." It's not that they taste horrible; it's that they don't taste like very much at all, which, again, makes sense evolutionarily. Lettuce has a whopping zero stuff in it so it wasn't much use to our caveman ancestors. They needed protein and sugar, not roughage, so the only taste we can muster for vegetables is an acquired one. Evolution, speed the hell up.

And what about exercise? Why do I have to drag myself to the gym, against my own will, and give myself a pep talk in between each pathetic exercise? "Come on, Street. If you work out now maybe someone else will get cast in all the fat roles at work!" Being fast, agile and strong must have been the most important thing to cavemen, so why is the process of becoming fast, agile and strong so painful for modern humans? Natural selection? Well too bad, evolution, I'm not going anywhere, regardless of how dirty and soiled my gene pool is. You're just going to have to find a way to make lying on a couch watching Homeland make me healthier.

Even when it comes to mating, evolution has yet to catch up to our society. Cavewomen sought big, strong, well-fed cavemen because they offered the best chance of survival. But today it's often the quiet, intelligent, and unceasingly flabby who have the largest piece of the pie. Why don't the choicest women seek out those men instead of strapping morons? For the same reason the choicest men have a difficult time only mating with one woman: Evolution. Stupid, stupid evolution that refuses, in the face of a world vastly different from the world of 30,000 years ago, to change.

Its Time To Evolve - Image 1

Though we're clearly the greatest animal to ever walk the earth, our nurture has far outpaced our nature. Everything that allowed our species to survive and dominate the world is now turning against us and it's not fair. Modern humans are punished for having stupid ancestors who couldn't find a renewable, plentiful source of sugar, fat, and salt. (If only chocolate-dipped bacon strips were around back then, everything would be different). And the saddest thing of all is that because evolution itself refuses to evolve and quicken its pace, the one species capable of understanding it is slowly eating, drinking, and slothing itself to death. So well done, nature! You've screwed your most promising creation. Have fun waiting around for dolphins or dogs to comprehend the intricate laws of the physical world – we'll be watching Homeland, pushing ever forward towards a most delicious and relaxing extinction.

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