In the past week, rows of seats have come loose on three separate flights on American Airlines, two of which made emergency landings.

American Airlines New Safety Speech - Image 1
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard American Airlines flight 251 with non-stop service to Chicago, unless we once again start to smell smoke, in which case we'll stop in Ohio for a day and make you sleep in the airport. Your pilot today is a disgruntled man who has been working without a contract for the past year. Please turn your attention to the flight attendant nearest you for our safety demonstration.

Make sure your seat belt is securely fastened at this time. There's a chance that the seat you're sitting in right now could rip out from the floor. Now, I can see some of you are thinking "If they can't even check to make sure the seats will stay bolted to the ground, what else are they neglecting?" Let me assure you that this has only happened three times in the past week. This is an acceptable level of safety as determined by "The Toothless, Drunken Carny Safety Manual." Please make sure your carry-on items are stored in the overhead bins or under the seat in front of you. If the seat in front of you becomes detached during flight, please strap your items to the ceiling.

There are three emergency exits aboard this aircraft. Please take this time to locate the nearest one because you will probably need to use it later. Each exit is equipped with a safety slide that can be detached and used as a flotation device. At least they were before we declared bankruptcy last year. I haven't checked myself, but the guy who maintains our seats assures me that they're still there.

In case there is a loss in cabin pressure, yellow oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling compartment, and get trapped behind the carry-on items that you strapped there after the seat in front of you slid away down the aisle with passengers still strapped into it. They will flail about, but it won't be funny at all. It will be terrible.

During takeoff, please make sure your seat back and try tables are in their full upright and locked position. I can't begin to stress how dangerous it will be if your tray table is down.

Thank you for your attention. We know you have a choice when flying and we're completely baffled as to why you continue to use us.