Star Magazine is releasing an issue this week claiming that Tom Cruise has renounced Scientology. But whether or not the public face of Scientology is gone for good, Cruise – like every other modern religious thinker – has been having his deep moments of religious doubt.

Are you there Xenu? It's me, Tom.

I'm having a crisis of faith, Xenu. My once impenetrable cosmic force seems to be failing me, my tone scale is at an all-time low, and at this point I have no choice but to categorize myself as a POTENTIAL TROUBLE SOURCE, isolate myself from the org and concentrate on the meaning of infinity.

Xenu, I don't think I need to tell you that this is major.

Of course, I still believe that my adorable daughter Suri is an Antisocial, soullessly hell-bent on obliterating the universe. It's undeniable. But even though I know this is true, every so often I keep wondering, "hey Tom, what if she's just a girl?

What's up with me, Xenu? Is it just a passing phase?

It's not all hopeless. My lifelong goal to be reincarnated as either a volcanic rock or a couch cushion has only deepened with time. As you well know, it has been these dreams that have motivated my zealous talk show appearances in the past. But more and more I can't suppress the fear that my postmortem hopes won't come to fruition! What if I end up lying in the dirt until my body rots just like everybody else? These questions haunt me, Xenu, seriously.

Whoa. Maybe I'm getting a bit too anxious here. Time for some self-hypnosis. Okay. Deep breaths now. Breathe in the remaining atoms of L. Ron Hubbard… breathe out the tormenting engram pictures etched in your emotional mind. In and out. In and out. Whew. Wow. I feel better already.

Hey. Thanks, Xenu. I'm sorry to keep bothering you about this stuff but you're really the only one I can talk to. You know, at the end of the day, it's just nice to know that somewhere out there is a tyrant ruler of the Galactic Conference looming over our fates who really takes the time to listen. That means a lot to me.

Well time to get back on my feet, huh? Hey, Xenu, don't worry about me, okay? All I really need is a new wife so I can feed on her thetan, and I'm sure I'll be back to my regular self. Oh, speaking of, I've been meaning to ask you. How do you feel about Jennifer Love Hewitt?