No one makes this much of an effort to keep just anyone in their life romantically, so here are 10 things I would do to get this assumed super babe of the body and soul into my arms for good.

  • Get the real Ryan Adams to perform this for me.
  • Pretend I said "Bryan Adams" when someone corrects me.
  • Invite her to become my Mandy Moore.
  • Explain that Mandy Moore is married to Ryan Adams.
  • Reiterate that I said "Ryan Adams" this time.
  • Admit that I might have slipped up again and said "Bryan Adams."
  • Buy the shirt Emily's soon-to-be-ex is wearing in the video.
  • Cut the sleeves off.
  • Try to become a better person.
  • Realize I'll never be a better person than this guy and set out to make more money than he does.

Alex Watt is on Twitter, Tumblr and an ego trip.