12 Step Program for Robert Pattinson to Get Over Kristen Stewart - Image 1

  1. Shower.
  2. Shave.
  3. Run a comb through that hair.
  4. Step outside.
  5. Expose skin to sun to get a nice base flesh color going.
  6. Go for a run.
  7. Kindly ask women who haven't been left in the dust to respect your desire to be alone for a while.
  8. Let those who leave go, they're obviously not dedicated enough.
  9. Give anyone who looks underage, overage, or "stabby" Taylor Lautner's address.
  10. Do whatever it is that girls like about you.
  11. Invite anyone who showed emotion, or just didn't bite their lip to dinner.
  12. Smile—wait, don't. It's not really your thing. Leave that for the rest of us.

Alex Watt is on Twitter, Tumblr and an ego trip.