Last week, Mitt Romney hosted the big annual Romney family vacation at his swanky lakeside estate in New Hampshire. Each year, the Romney clan competes in the Romney Family Olympics, a series of athletic events that used to consist of a simple triathlon swimming, running, and biking. But after the Mittster nearly lost to his daughter-in-law who had just given birth a few months before, he added new events like seeing who can hammer the most nails into a board in two minutes, or who can hold on to a pole for the longest time without losing their grip supposedly just to increase his chances of winning.
Here is the new, finalized line-up of events:
- Two Laps Around the Lake
First to swim twice around the lake wins. The more financially successful you have been in your professional pursuits, the more you can use a speedboat.
- 50m Dash
The first to cross the finish line wins. The older you are, the further ahead you start (i.e. grandkids at the starting line, sons/women at the 10m line, grandfather at the 45m line).
- Bike Race
The first to bike down to the town square and back wins. If you founded a profitable alternative asset management and financial services company, consider yourself a success and skip this event.
- Phone a Republican
Whoever can get a prominent Republican politician on the phone the fastest wins. You are allowed to call yourself.
- Harvard Name-Off
Whoever can name the most members of the Harvard University Joint JD-MBA Program Class of 1975 in a minute wins.
- Book Tower
Stack up every New York Times Bestseller that you have written. Whoever's tower is the tallest wins.
- Google Online Search on the Computer
Whoever has the most results when they Google their own name wins.
- Who Owns the Estate?
Whoever bought and still owns the estate wins.
- What's Grampa Thinking?
See if you can guess what Grampa Mitt is thinking. Losers have to start the Olympics over again. Winners are banished from the estate for witchcraft, unless you are the one whose thoughts are being guessed.
- Run for President
Whoever can get the furthest in a REAL Presidential campaign in the current election cycle wins. Past campaigns count for extra points. Same rules apply for children.