We will be out of the office from Monday, July 2, returning on Monday, September 24. If you need immediate assistance, please contact the executive or legislative branches, recalling that "immediate" is a relative term.
If this is President Barack Obama calling to sing our praises about the Affordable Health Care Act yet again, don't press your luck. We gave you this one, but it's not like you're off the hook. Good luck dealing with this mess in the fall debates, dipshit!
If you are a petitioner who applied for cert but whose case was not addressed in this term, uh, tough Oreos kid. And yes, we're aware that we only review a fraction of the cases that most judges review in a year. And that we don't actually write our opinions.
All media inquiries, please dial zero and you will be connected to your colleagues at The Washington Post who always seem to think they can read our Ivy-League minds anyway. Yes, we know you're not on a phone right now. Psych.
Lobbyists and senators, please note the golf foursomes have switched around somewhat now that Justice Ginsburg's short game is in the crapper.
If you are an undocumented worker looking for a waiver from our recent ruling in Arizona v. The United States, please report to our processing center at 1 River Rd., Ciudad Juarez and an ATF agent will witness your disappearance via drone.
Professors of law, ghost writers, biographers or anyone else drafting copy on how this court will be remembered, please leave a message and our clerks will return your call immediately.
If this is Justice Kagan returning from her latest "recusal recess," welcome back! Look forward to seeing photos of your trip.
Prospective clerks, please remember that you must pass an initial screening with Justice Thomas. If you can get him to say something or even find a heartbeat, you may pass round one and be eligible for an interview.
Finally, we know that at $213,000 a year we are collecting $4k a week for each of the next 12 weeks without lifting a finger. But something has to prepare us for retirement, when we'll collect that much each week, too. If we ever want to retire.
Put that I'm your amici curiae and smoke it, shithead!