Whilst staring in mirror
Just the other day
I saw a sight which didn't seem
Like it was doing okay.

These past few years
No more than five I'm sure
My body has taken a turn for the worse
And there may not be a cure.

My breasts did sag
My stomach stuck out
The speckled dots all over my feet
Looked and smelled of gout.

What can I do, I asked myself
To cure this horrible sight
I could take pills or get my thrills
By eating healthy, right?

Be that as it may, I'm a slave to meat
And butter and cream to boot
And those pricey pills, so quick and easy
Cost way too much loot.

Ah Ha! I thought, I know what to do
I'll join a gym and then
I can get all fit without a diet.
I'll be strong and quick and thin!

Four days a week I gather the strength
To drive to my little gym
And ride on the bike, swim in the pool
And lift things again and again.

It has been two months since I started this
And the benefits have yet to show
For while my shoulders get broader and my chest gets harder
My hips continue to grow.

But it's not my body that's concerning me now
It's something that has no good
There's a man by the showers, all covered in powder
Who keeps staring at my manhood.

Why can't I change in peace,
With some semblance of privacy?
I suppose that my shlong, which isn't that long
May have given this man some jealousy.

I paid a serious amount of cash
To use that tiny gym room
All I got was a skin rash
While my love handles continue to bloom.

Looking back on it now, some things have come clear
I wasted my money when I could have saved.
I got fatter when I should have lost weight.
And some people in the locker room don't know how to behave.