Written with Owen "Hawkeye" Parsons
Every Superhero Origin Story Ever
By Caldwell Tanner
Every Superhero Origin Story Ever Panel One: It is a moonlit night in a private park. A Bruce Wayne-like youth and an older, mustachioed butler talk. Youth: Uncle Butler, what is the matter? UB: Bad news, innocent youth. Your wealthy scientist parents are dead now because of crime. Panel Two: Close-up on youth, he looks dramatically shocked, Uncle Butler has his hand on youth’s shoulder. Youth: But what will happen to my sheltered worldview? UB: Don’t worry I will always be here to give you good advice and protect you from the harsh realities of society. Panel Three: Evil Businessman stands next to a dump truck, which is dumping giant kegs of radioactive waste falls on Uncle Butler Evil Businessman: I am here to dump radioactive waste because I am evil and rich. UB: Oh no I am dead now. Panel Four: Youth looks at his hands, they each have a unique power. Uncle Butler is crushed, but his head is exposed. Youth: These chemicals have given me an awakened sense of responsibility and also super powers??? UB: No. The powers were in you all along, Panel Five: Close up of Uncle Butler whispering into Youth’s ear. UB: Because your parents were secretly aliens. Panel Six: Shot of youth kneeling and crying up towards the heavens. Youth: MOTIVATION!