Today, after pooling all our lunch money together to buy tickets, we had an important meeting to discuss how we would spend our 640 Million dollars when we inevitably win the lottery tonight. Here are our top picks:
1. Dive into the money Scrooge McDuck style and use the bloodied coins to pay for my medical bills.
2. Buy 640,000,000 lotto tickets next week and go for the repeat.
3. Slip Israel & Palestine each a cool $20 mil to stop making my google news feed such a bummer.
4. Finally buy that Princess Di Beanie Baby.
5. Fund the next five seasons of Arrested Development then never let anyone see them.
6. Buy and then immediately close every single Staples in the country.
7. Buy a disposable razor, use it once, then just throw it away.
8. A Freaks & Geeks reunion where everyone's older and it's set in the 90's.
9. Pay off the Dave Matthews Band to never play a song ever again.
10. Hire the best bodyguard in the world to protect me and the best hitman in the world to kill me and wait and see who wins
11. Make it rain, with the climate control machine I bought. Then afterwards, make it snow.
12. Hire an assassin to kill my parents, then become THE BAT.
13. Buy out every billboard on I-95 for my MySpace page
14. Buy Facebook and replace it with Meatspin
15. Buy Meatspin and replace it with Facebook.
16. Wait! Back to the Freaks & Geeks Reunion. Firefly is going to be a part of it too. It's a crossover. Also Mulder & Scully are there.
17. Go to a strip club and let a dancer cry into $100 bills as we have a heart-to-heart conversation.
18. Stop Joseph Kony from winning the Mega Millions.
19. Smooch a famous babe.
20. Buy all the burgers at a McDonald's just so we can watch them try to explain to people that they're all out of burgers.
21. Pay the BareNaked Ladies one million dollars to sing "If I Had a Million Dollars" and kick them all in the nuts before they can finish.
22. Clone wooly mammoths then hunt them to extinction.
23. Adopt ALL THE HIGHWAYS
24. Hire Shaq to dress up like Kazaam, give him my checkbook, and have him grant my wishes until the money runs out.
25. Flee the country before the rest of the people in the office pool realize I was the one holding on to the winning ticket