It is time once again, to say hello
To fresh young minds eager to grow.
The freshman, it seems, have come at last
To hang out in dorms and sit on the grass.

To them I say, Welcome fresh fish
For your next year will be one not to miss.
Take it from me, the wise and the learned
Never a party goes skipped, never a credit un-earned.

You are in for a ride of unimaginable glee
Where you will learn what it is to truly be free.
No curfew, no rules, a fine situation
Unless you attend a Catholic institution.

So let me just say, from the depths of my heart
I hope you all have a very good start
Because as you grow, you will certainly find
That in freshman year, your best times are left behind.

To make the best of this year, you must listen true
To this brilliant advice I pass on to you.
Don't question my wisdom, for I am surely right
Hell, I drank beer from a girl's ass one night.

You must never skip class unless for good reason
Like throwing a Frisbee, drinking, or sleeping.
You must always call home; make sure that it's done
Where do you think all your money comes from?

Avoid every chance to eat in the cafe
Don't ask me why" just ask your ass.
Always wear sandals when washing your body and hair
Who knows what the kid before you was doing in there?

When given a nickname, never protest it
It's an honor to be called "Slutski" or "He-Tit"
Write all of your papers the night before they're due
You'll save lots of time and energy too!

When dining at home, there are but three options
Easy Mac, Pop Tarts and, of course, Top Ramen
Piss off your roommate right from the get go
It's fun to have a psycho sleeping below you.
Sex is ok, but make sure to be careful
The top bunk is shaky and the common room; lethal.

Get a fake ID, but do not be hasty
You don't look Puerto Rican when you're tall, thin and pasty.
Attend every party or soon you will see
That you're the only kid on the hall with no STD

Drink every beer, take every hit
Wake up on the floor covered in shit.
Take every shot, down every drink
Smoke till your brain can no longer think
Smack every ass, gain every pound
Pull your drunk ass up off the ground
Wear every hoodie, cry every May
Cherish every moment you can remember the next day.

With that, my friends, it is time for me to go
I hope you have listened to all that I know
But let me just say, and let you just hear
Welcome, young minds, to your Freshman Year.

1. Dean's got a new column out called "FFTHONKK!" (really). So check that. Also check out Aaron Karo's new column here yo.

2. Christian Finnegan of VH1's Best Week Ever is gonna write some stuff for us in the next couple of weeks so stay tuned for that. We're stoked. He's also playing at Caroline's in New York this Wednesday if you're in the 'hood…

3. Thanks to MagazinesForCheap for sponsoring this update. Show your support by getting both Maxim and Stuff for a year for $10. Then show your support of these hotlinks by clicking the bejeezus out of 'em.