I offered a pregnant woman a seat on the subway. She refused, but it was for the best. She was probably too big to sit on my lap anyway.
-Brian Murphy @CHMurph
I yelled "It's snowing!" right in the middle of algebra today I was so excited. Then they escorted me off the premises because I'm 25.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
You'd think Republicans would approve some of Obama's proposals. At least the ones thought of with the white half of his brain
-Jeff Rosenberg @JeffRosie
Going bald at a young age can be tough, but you don't have to do it alone. I just found this really strong support group called "skinheads".
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
Pokemon Jock Jams
-Caldwell Tanner @Caldy
Temple of Doom Pickup Line
"The second you ripped his heart out was the moment you took hold of mine."
-Steve Etheridge @stetheridge
I got 99 problems and being sued for sexual harassment after calling a woman I work with a "bitch" is most of them.
-Andrew Bridgman @AndyBridgman
I have no self-control when it comes to food. If it's in front of me, I'm going to make sweet,sweet love to it.
-Rich Piepho