The first thing to do when writing an essay is to write what you feel. Which in this case is hung over.

Not sure what to do next? Try to imagine what Ben Franklin would do now, other than sleep with your girlfriend and yell ‘zounds’ every time you do something even vaguely future-y. We get it Ben, you’re a time traveler unfamiliar with Easy Mac. No need to be a dick about it.

Remember, a lot of writers block stems from stress. Relax, close your eyes, and count to ten. While you do that, that fat guy in your class who chews his pencils already be finished.

Still have writers block? Many of histories greatest writers had trouble writing sometimes. So you might as well just take what they wrote. You wouldn’t want them to have suffered for nothing, would you?

Don’t take drugs to help you write your essay. Take drugs to help you not write your essay. That’s what drugs are for.  God. Kids these days…

If you're having trouble, you can use the internet! Because no one can deconstruct Shakespeare quite like a guy named Sparty234 who just chewed a guy out on YouTube.

For inspiration, think about that special girl, that muse who can so easily inspire you, and how she should totally move the restraining order back to 500 feet. C’mon Sophie. Those last ten telegrams were really cute.

Be sure to look at the big picture; dude, who cares about school, because, like, our band is going to make it big after we get a few gigs, and Connor’s brother knows a sweet drummer, and whatever man, forget essays. I’m just going to go backpack around India anyways. Pass the bong.

A picture is worth a thousand words. Just use those.

Know your audience. Make sure your essay proves objectively and clearly that being a T.A. is going to change the world, and is so much better than going to that lame Law School they didn’t get into.

If you are a hot girl, who will do annnything to ace this essay, you are in porn because you were bad at essays in the first place.

To fill up space, just repeat the same thing in different ways.

If you have to fill up pages you can just repeat earlier stuff you wrote in new words.

Having a really hard time with your essay? Don’t worry, you can just make a diorama or a neat poster instead! Oh what’s that? You can’t do that? Wow, 2nd-5th grade. You really screwed the pooch on that one.

Remember, alcohol is only a temporary escape from your essay. So either don’t get drunk, or just never become sober again.