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There are a lot of problems you can run away from in life, but back hair is not one of them.
-Chris Richman
A Former Homophobe Who Came Out Gay but is Still Sorta Homophobic
"If you're not secure enough in your masculinity to masturbate to two men kissing, then you're a bigger fag than they are."
-Tom Sunnergren
All 30 NBA Teams Name Changed by a Guy Who Has Less Than 45 Seconds to Change Them.
Los Angeles Popular People, Chicago Winds, New York Buildings, Kansas, err, Sacramento Cows, Dallas Heat, Miami Beaches, Toronto Skeletons, Vancouver Time. Crap. Umm. Detroit Tigers. Dammit. This is so hard. Houston Texans Orlando Blooms. How much time? Wait stop. Stop! I said How much time, that doesn't count! STOP! THIS DOESN'T COUNT!!! Memphis.
-Amir B.
If chivalry is dead, why do I feel bad when I let a door slam in an old woman's face?
-Streeter Seidell
Dance like no one's watching. Honestly, pretend I'm not even here. Take off your clothes. It's like you're alone right now. Come on, dance.
-Jake Hurwitz
Q: Jeff, why do you have an Ask Jeff column if your answers never relate to the question?
A: It doesn't matter what you call them – you'll still have five parrots, five dogs, three cats, and two goldfish!
-Jeff Rubin
Vocabulary? Ha! I don't know the meaning of the word.
-Patrick Cassels
When Stephen Hawking masturbates, is it considered a stroke of genius?
-Alexander Branson
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