We open this, the third episode of the sixth season of American Idol, with various shots of a completely deserted Memphis, TN. Why is it deserted, you ask? Ryan Seacrest would have us believe it's because all 650,000 of the city's inhabitants are at the staduim for American Idol auditions. I think the police probably blocked off the streets so the crew could get shots of an empty city. Choose sides, America.
After some contrived footage of Randy ordering 30 donuts by phone (who doesn't order donuts by the dozen? fat people are weird), we get to the first contestant of the day, one Frank Beyers, a gay (I'm assuming) black (I'm certain) cheerleading coach from Alabama or Arkansas or some state like that. He brought his squad with him. And the marching band. Then he sang "Heard It Through the Grapevine," but unfortunately the judges heard it through the suck.. vine that he sucked. So they didn't let him to go Hollywood. He actually wasn't that awful, but he was pretty disappointing for a gay black dude, so It seems like they're setting the bar a little higher this season, but I didn't watch last year, so I have no idea.
Third contestant to be shown was a Chris Rivera, who sang "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder, as in, "Wonder where he got those frayed jeans/skirt/fabric monstrosity" or "He must also be blind to dress so stupidly."
So, everyone sucked so far. It probably sucked a lot more for Paula, because she didn't seem that drunk today. Then, finally, someone good showed up. He had a stupid looking beard that resembled a short brown broom sticking out of his chin, and he's kind of fat and whatever, but whooeee! that boy can sing! He sang "Stormy Monday" and Randy gave him an approval rating of "100 million % yes." Best of all his name is SUNDANCE HEAD, which is weird, but also hilarious. I bet his middle name is "Gives Dudes." God, I hope he does well, because that is a goldmine of gay jokes right there. His parents must hate him.
After some coked-out guy performed some "very emotional" beat poetry about his girlfriend, a blonde chick named Danya McCullah, age 18, sang "Baby I Love You." She's only medium-cute (her face is kind of weird. I can't place what's wrong with it, but give me time. I'll figure it out. Probably Down's Syndrome.) and her voice was only medium-okay, and she was only medium-through to Hollywood except that Simon wants to solicit blowjobs from her in later rounds, so she gets to go. Simon is a crafty one.
Topher McCain, age 28, is not only a big fan of Paula's, but his wife recently left him, so, you know, the judges made sure to bring that up first thing. Simon: "I understand your wife left you. Why?" Topher, "Because she's a cunt." They bleeped it out, but it was definitely a c-word, and that's why, even though this guy is fat and has glasses and a stupid beard, he might be my favorite Idol contestant of this half-hour. He had an okay voice, but that fact was negated by his glasses/fat/facial hair/calling his wife a cunt on national TV, so no Hollywood for him.
Then some chick danced and her boobies almost fell out of her dress, then Fidel Castro/Sadaam Hussein's white younger nephew, who I swear to God I saw dressed as Jesus at last year's Memphis in May, totally blew them out of the water with "God's Gonna Cut You Down." The judges were basically like, "Wow, you look so homeless and your hat is so Cuban, and yet you are a good singer. I don't understand it." And he was like, "Looks aren't everything, biatches!" and they were like, "See you in Hollywood (WITH A HAIRCUT AND A SHAVE.)" I hope he doesn't sell out. I DO hope he makes it to the Top 12 so I can impress everyone with the picture I took with him in front of the funnel cake cart. Also, in the little confessional booth after the audition he was like, "Oh! Superstah!" which was cute.
Melinda Dolittle is 28 and a professional background singer, and she's really meek and has a hat that I kind of don't like very much, but she sang "For Once in My Life" and it was pretty great. I had goosebumps the whole time, and it wasn't even cold in my apartment. She changed the weather. In the future. With her voice. Awesome.
Okay, so by this point, I think everyone can safely assume that some of the more ridiculous contestants that get on the air are fakes, planted by the producers for the purpose of adding a freakshow element to this already shameless nationwide "talent" search(/blowjob search, if you're Simon). Robert Lee Holmes, in my opinion, is one such plant. First of all, he's a black guy in the South. Who is also named after Robert E. Lee. Secondly, he sounds exactly like Leon Phelps, the Ladies' Man. Thirdly, he sang Elvis's "Burning Love." More like "Burning [when I pee from diseases contracted while making] Love [to thousands of sexy ladies every week]." Because he sounds like Leon Phelps. And he was wearing a pea-green silk shirt. So he's fake.
That was basically it. There was a short Montage of Sucktitude, and Randy's new catchphrase is apparently "Good lookin' out" when he has to tell people they aren't good enough to join the ranks of Taylor Hicks and Clay Aiken, and then some douchebag missed the birth of his second child so he could wait in line to try out for Idol. They let him go to Hollywood even though he's not that attractive, ostensibly because he has a good voice, but Simon and I both know better. He kind of sings through his nose and pushes too much, but whatever. If they didn't let him through, his wife probably would have strangled him with their baby's umbilical cord.
Only 22 of the apparently 650,000 auditioners made it to Hollywood. And we get another episode in another city tomorrow. Bring it on, Seacrest.