For anyone who is fortunate enough NOT to know, Paris Hilton is going to jail. I don't spy on mortals all day or anything, but it's impossible to avoid hearing about it. It's on the front page of every newspaper while news like, "Pope Stresses Church's Stance on Abortion" is buried on page who-gives-a-sh*t (sorry about these asterisks, if I curse it kills 10,000 people).

And yes, I'm omniscient so I'm aware that when I blog about not blogging about Paris Hilton, I am myself blogging about Paris Hilton. Listen, I haven't been this serious since I made a pact with Noah – after this, I will NOT blog about Paris Hilton anymore.

It's just like, why is Paris Hilton famous? When I read about Lindsay I go, "Whatever, at least she's going to win an Oscar for being Mrs. Robinson in 2044's The Graduate remake. Everyone will know it's stupid, but it's still an Oscar so whatever." Paris Hilton never has done and never will do anything worthwhile. Not following the terms of a drunk driving probation is going to be the second most interesting thing she ever does. In 2032, she kills herself with pills.

Some of the older readers probably remember when Heracles battled the many-headed Hydra. What a pain in the ass (ass is not really a curse BTW) that thing was. It had poisonous breath and more heads than a thousand painters could ever paint. The thing was, every time you cut off one head, two grew back. Paris Hilton is like the Hydra, but worse. If you just keep giving her attention, even negative attention, it only makes her stronger. You think you can't stand it now? Imagine the sh*t storm that's coming when she gets out of jail. It's going to be like the reckoning (not really LOL). Anyway, I asked Heracles and he said to just not pay attention to her.

Here's the deal. You guys stop talking about Paris Hilton, I will cure a disease. Not like cancer or anything, but something people have. Maybe scleroderma. I know that's not a big one, but I shouldn't have to command anything here. I'm not offering some vaccine or expensive treatment either. It'll just disappear, like you were all on the island from Lost (which was so good last night). You'll wake up one day and everyone with scleroderma would be cured. You'll never hear from it again. Otherwise, I'll make some double-scleroderma and start throwing that around. I can and will do it. All you have to do is not pay attention. Starting now.

Satan – are you responsible for this? Seriously, stop.